15 Things I learned after the death of my sister.

On March 5, 2016 @ 930pm I found out my twin sister had died. My world stopped. We just had our 38th birthday just 2 weeks earlier.

I just talked to her the previous day. This was not real. How can she be here one day and gone the next? She is/was my best friend, she was literally my other half. We are mirror image Identical twins. I don’t know how to do life without her .
I was working on a new project and she was my biggest cheerleader. Now I don’t want to put effort into anything. Most days lately, I am lucky I brush my hair. I have been bad about taking care of myself. My children are the only reason I get out of bed in the morning because they need me to get up. I get up for them and try for them but even there I am not doing 100%.    


Things I have learned when dealing with the death of my sister.


1. There will be people who bolt. People who you thought were your friends. Others will treat you like you have a disease and avoid you.

2. People you didn’t expect to be there for you will be the ones who help you keep it together the most.

3. You will have seen sides of your family you wish you could unsee.

4. It will all be about money, who gets what, what cost what and everyone will have different figures in mind. 

5. You will wonder what the hell your life is about and why you are here.

6. You will want to do drastic things, like quit your job and never leave your bed.

7. You will wonder if the sadness will ever leave. 

8. You will feel lost and alone, even when in a crowd. 

9. You spontaneously cry in the cracker aisle of the grocery store because Toto comes on singing “I’ll be over you”

10. Work seems like an utter waste of time.

11. You will want toxic people out of your life once and for all. Life too short.

12. Things that were fun before require energy just to make it through.

13. You will get sick. ( Almost 3 weeks later still coughing up a lung. )

14. You will be on an emotional roller coaster and will have to remind yourself to think first before reacting. Otherwise you will be apologizing for emotional outbursts over an email you didn’t double check. 

15. You will want to be alone and that is okay.

VA failing! 

I have Rheumatoid arthritis (RA).  I was diagnosed when I was 29 years old.   For the last 5 years I have been trying to get consistent treatment with the Veterans Health Administration here in Central Illinois.   For over a year now I have been without any medication because the current RA Doctor will not prescribe me any medication. He won’t give me medicine because when I see him (once every 3 month), I show no signs of inflammation in my hands via ultra sound. I did show severe inflammation the first time I saw him. When I was pregnant  I went into remission till about 6 weeks post delivery then the flare ups got bad. Apparently, he thinks because I don’t show up with a flare up that I don’t need the medicine.  He states because the drugs have bad side effects I shouldn’t take them unless necessary. I think he missed the class that states these are preventive medicines,  not to be used only when you have a flare up.   

To see this doctor I have to drive 2 hours one way to Indianapolis, Indiana.  I have to take the day off work and pay the babysitter extra because I usually don’t get home till after 7pm at night.  I am a single mom, it is a very difficult situation.   So then I decided to call about the VA Choice program.  The VA makes you an appointment with a local doctor.   They are suppose to call with the appointment after 5 days,  it has been 2 weeks and still no call!!!!  I have had a very bad flare up for the last 2 weeks, in the mornings I can barely walk or grip my toothbrush.   I have missed work and I am stuck in this condition because the VA is failing me.  

I am in constant pain, which causes me to withdraw and I am not getting any of my chores done.   My house has gone to the wolves at this point.   I am getting depressed and angry.   I don’t know what else to do but write letters to everyone and anyone about the crap service I am getting.   

New Year coming quick!

2015 is almost done, 2016 will be shiny and new.   I have a lot I want to work on the coming year moving, debt erasing, having a life outside of work and my kids, and a vacation in there somewhere.   I came across this wonderful article that really just hit home.  (Click the link below )  Oh #2 HELLO!   Hope you find it as helpful as I did! 

Happy New Year Loves!



Holiday Cheer turned to Holiday Jeer 

When you are a single mom with one income and no child support coming in holidays and birthdays are anything but cheerful for you.   My children understand that we don’t have a lot of extra cash laying around.  While we have the basics, we still live paycheck to paycheck.  Every years I think we will be okay and I can finally have a Christmas were I am not stressing out and every year something happens and that dream of a stress free Holiday disappears.   I know my kids will be happy with whatever they receive but I still feel guilty for not getting them what they really want or what my family wants.


Today I found out not only am I not getting the end of year bonus I was hoping for (couple hundred dollars) I am also not getting a raise for next year.  Apparently I did not exceed expectations enough to qualify for both or any.  Personally, I think it is utter bull crap because I do every job that was given to me and I even had several letters of excellence sent to my supervisor.   I don’t know what I did to deserve the rating I did receive which was “yay thanks for being average”.  So now I know next year is going to be the same as this year.  Which is just utterly depressing.   

Hoping my Christmas Jeer turns to Cheer some time soon.


Lost but now found

Ever since we had the vandalism and fires at my apartment complex only thing I have been wanting to do is leave!   So every day I work on cleaning out closets, cupboards and boxes.  Now, I have lived here almost seven years, I didn’t realize how much CRAP I HAVE!!

Every box is a mystery and like Christmas ha ha ha!  This box was in the back of my of closet on the floor for who knows how long.  I am so not organized, but working towards being better organized.


I have been finding things I thought were lost a million years ago.   My Gone With the Wind pill case from, gosh 7th grade, my secret journal from 8 years ago, my high school letter, the frame I received when my cat Tuxyman died, a cough drop EWWW and pens lots of pens.


So I sort the box and keep only a few things, the high school letter, the frame,  the journal and only the pens that actually work.   Now for some people sorting this box would have been easy just toss everything but when you come from a family of keepers, it is harder then it looks.   It has taken me years of therapy and the desire to change just to get this far.  My desire to change my habits on keeping things started 3 years ago and I am still working through things.   I have stopped hoarding magazines, I only allow myself the fall issue max 3 magazines.   At one point I had 10 magazines and catalogs coming to my house monthly plus I was purchasing others off the rack.   Pretty sure my mail person hated me.  I didn’t really see an issue till I moved to my current apartment 6 years ago,  I moved three boxes of magazines that the oldest was 5 years old.   I kept them because I had not finished reading them or there was a recipe or project I wanted to keep.    So I guess that was the true beginning of change though at the time that was the only thing I changed. 
So now during this I am finding the motivation I lost to continue to change and finding things I thought I lost.

Later my lovelies,


P.s. Change is messy!!! Lol


Terror in a small town

Since Thursday night my area of town has been damaged every night for the last 3 nights.  My apartment complex has 2 buildings, Thursday night/Friday morning some one decide to flood one building and spray paint hall ways, doors, mailboxes with profanity and racial symbols.   My building got the spray painting also but no flooding. While they were at it they decided to do my car too.

My car is far from new 2004 but still it didn’t need any extra “charm”!

Come Saturday night someone  decided to try to burn down the other building by starting a fire in the stairwell.   On Sunday night the Aholes decided  to try and burn my building by staring a fire!

I live in a rather small town, in my opinion, roughly 7500 people.  I moved here almost 7 years ago to get away from crap like this. 

I have a 15 year old and 20 month old and I am scared to death to go to sleep tonight, as I keep thinking something else is going to happen.  I also realized, I need to pack an emergency bag just in case because last night me and my two kids were outside in 29 degree weather at 1 am in our PJs and coats.  That is not okay to me. 

I have already started clearing out closest and cupboards because we are moving the moment I have enough money to move. 

My loves hug and kiss your loved ones often and never take for granted that some nutcase will try to take you from them.



Dark to Light

I have been away from the blog for quite sometime because well, life got in the way.  I currently suffer from unmedicated Rheumatoid Arthritis and add that to my medicated bout of depression and woooo time bomb.   I have an appointment to see a new RA doctor because the one I currently see through Iliana VA is not listening to me and has had me off medication for almost a year.   I do not see the civilian doctor till January 8th so till then I have to live with the flares, the pain, the exhaustion, the depression. 

My depression is due to a mixture of dealing with my RA, financial strains and the ending of a 2 1/2 year relationship.   Kinda all added up at once on me.  Depression is nothing to be embarrassed about, a good chunk of the population has to deal with.   I fight it daily, some days I win, some days I curl up on the bed and it wins.  I am trying hard to work through it because my children do not get a very good mommy during those times.   They get the robot mom, who just goes through the motions of caring for them instead of the engaged happy mom they deserve.  No one is happy when mommy is not happy.  

When I feel the darkness starting to take over I try to rely on things I have learned in therapy over the years.  Journaling is huge help!  Writing down what I am going through and what I am grateful for helps me look for the light.  

Doing something for myself everyday!  Spend at least 1 hour doing something for myself.  Whether that be reading a book, taking a bubble bath or playing a game, it is my time for me to unwind.

I  still not out of the woods but the more I stick to the above tasks the better I will get.  At least this is what works for me.  If you find yourself feeling like everyday is a bad day there is no shame in asking for help!  I am hear of you need an ear to vent to.  Suicide is never the answer as it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.   You are not alone and it will get better. 

Take care loves I will be back again:)